27blueballoons

It’s looking a lot like Springtime.  We love Spring.  Lately I have a love/hate relationship with spring…Spring is all things Bo.  It’s so hard to think about how he’s turning one in heaven.  It’s so hard to think that his angel day will quickly follow his birthday.

It’s all so hard.

We are planning a first birthday party for him and it’s almost as hard as planning his funeral was.  I was so numb with grief that I sort of let everyone else plan and then we just seemed to show up and walk through the steps.  As we plan his birthday, it’s sort of the same feeling.  I still get email updates about “what to expect with your baby” and they are nothing lik what my life really is…I’ve asked myself why I was so naive to sign up for such subscriptions-why did I think his wonderful life was guranteed to us?  Why did I let myself buy a 4T sweater on sale at Target that reminded me of Ernie and Bert-why did I think he was guaranteed to make it to 4 years old?  What an awful way to think.  Believe it or not, Babies R us seems to have a tracker too.  We’ve moved houses and they still send catalogs addressed to us.  I don’t think I’ll be going in there anytime soon…

I want to be naive again.  I want all of that.

Like I’ve mentioned before-we don’t only think of all the things we’re currently missing, it’s also about all the things we will miss.  As we approach his first birthday, I’m also grieving all the ones in the future we will miss.  Nate will never get to take the training wheels off of his first bike or teach him how to swim.  I’ll never get to dance with him at his wedding.  We’ll never get to meet the future grandchildren he would have given us.

A lifetime sentence of grieving is a hard pill to swallow…but if it meant 27 days with the most beautiful boy I’ve ever known, then I guess it’s what we have to do.

Oh yeah, and sometimes when we grieve, we also do sporadic things-like get tattoos on Valentine’s day.  I got his initials and a blue balloon on my wrist and then had Nate’s initials and some of the lyrics to our first dance put on my foot.  So far I’ve only had a few people ask about what my wrist stands for, but I know I’ll be answering it for the rest of my life.  I like the idea of educating people on his life.  We love honoring him.

“There is something that you must always remember.  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” -Winnie the Pooh.

The quietness…do you hear it?  It’s the sound of your thoughts in a house where thoughts bloom.  A house where memories remain.  It’s our house.  It’s his room.  The quietness pierces my heart sometimes.  I stop what I’m doing-washing dishes, making food, doing laundry, reading…it just catches up with me.  This house should be buzzing with talk of a certain sweet boy turning one.  We should be trying all kinds of baby foods and becoming the genious baby we all knew he’d be.  Some of you might dream of quietness, but we’d love a house of chaos.  We yearn for the moments where matching socks, brushing tangled hair, and finding new foods happen every day.

We went to the park today.  Walked those little twiddly dink pups up the block to the nearest Elementary School.  It’s where Bo’s siblings will go someday and we just love that place.  It helps us become kids again and play with our furry bffs.  Scout likes to run in the soccer field chasing his ball while Max could just sit and sniff wood chips for hours.  We swang in the swing set and I’ll admit, it was one of the most freeing feelings I’ve felt in months.  It was like I could kick my feet a little higher and get closer to heaven, closer to my boy.  I still have the body of a new mom but I’ve managed to lose within 10 pounds of my pre-baby range.  Felling lighter in the air is awesome…however, of course I can’t wait to get plump and prego one of these days   Which is why those 10 pounds can hang around and I don’t become the old obsessed-being-skinny me.  I’m a new me.  I’m Bo’s mommy.

I found a little sticker in the wood chips (luckily the dogs didn’t find it)…it was an announcement for a chili dinner @ the school that happened Friday.  The walk home was filled with how we will make amazing chili to bring to one of these dinners someday and just how proud we’ll be to become parents again.  I can’t even put into words how lucky I am in love.  To know someone as handsome and caring as Nate is a blessing, but to be married to him is life saving.  He literally saves me daily.

I love you Nathan Michael, you are my everything.

I wanted to give a shout out to all my friends and family that have had baby showers but I haven’t really thought of what I wanted to say…but now we are approaching Bo’s first birthday party and all of his should-be bff’s are turning one as well.  I honestly don’t know if we’ll make it to a baby shower or bday party this year and it devestates me.  If you know one thing about Lori Rapoff, then you should know she appreciates a good party.  Especially the sweetest parties in life- the ones that honor our babies.  It’s probably obvious why we can’t be there but it’s just hard to see other babies grow and for ours to stay 27 days.  It’s not even about us, but we don’t even want to chance having a party be about us at all.  We don’t want to stick out and we sure don’t want anyone to feel sorry while they should feel happiness.  As far as baby showers, I’m making progress at these but I try to always send a gift.  Our showers were some of the happiest parties of our life and I continue to appreciate and love all of the new babies that bless our loved ones.  Going through the baby isle @ Target isn’t easy but sometimes I get caught in it for what seems like hours  in my “pretend world”.  That world is often brought back to life when I make it to the grocery store and dart passed the baby food isle.

Missing him so much.  His Jayhawk jumpsuit was ready for him last night.  Every milestone marks a new day in our journey.

His Eulogy -(that word sounds so adultish)-I have it somewhere, but I’m not good at finding things these days.  I do know that it was filled with love.  It was the story of his life.  We read it together as we stood next to his tiny casket.  We spoke to him.  We let everyone know how much we loved him, and how much we’d miss him.  It was the best/worst speech we’ll ever give.  How do you put his spirit into words?

I’ve always been one to read the obits in the paper.  Working in nursing homes does this to a person.  For some reason I recently decided to look him up to see if he had one.  It all happened so fast.  He has one but it’s very brief.  I almost want to write the KC Star and have them change it.  I was so broken in those first few days.  I was relearning how to breathe without him…hardest days I’ll ever know.

Now I’m here and I am breathing again.  It’s never easy and people lie when they say it will be.  I’ve continued to cry, sometimes more than I did before.  We miss him bigger than our hearts can handle.  I unpacked his room the other day.  I’ve cuddled his things (along with Nate) through the recent nights.

We love you sweet boy.  We’ll never be the same.

I don’t really know what to call this post…it’s the New Year and well, here we are.  We are in love.  We’ve become parents.  Our baby is in heaven.  That seems like the short version of what happened last year.  I live in that very short one month version a lot.  It was the best month of my whole life.

Our new year’s resolutions/lessons are quite different from a lot of people’s.

1.  Baby.  Just imagining this makes me whole again.  I loved (love) being a mom.  I played Clara Barton (a nurse) when I was in 5th grade and I’m so glad I met my goal…but all I really want is motherhood.  It completes me. It’s my “ideal job”.

2.  THANK YOU all for the letters.  I just can’t thank you enough.  We ended up receiving almost 40.  We heard from family, best friends, long lost friends, and people we’ve never known.  We cherish you all.  It’s turning into the sweetest book.  Keep em’ coming if you have an itch to write us.

3.  I am so in love with my husband.  It doesn’t take an anniversary or New Years to notice this.  Oddly enough, other people notice it all the time.  Nate and I have a once in a lifetime bond.  I’ve told you before how I feel so lucky…the luckiest unlucky gal on the planet right here.

4.  Stop your bitching.  Okay, maybe not just my resolution- but every parent who’s lost their child picks up on this too.  I had a mother with 3 sick kids the other day ask- “Do you have any kids?” and I replied, “yes, one.” I waited to see if she’d ask his age.  She didn’t.  She told me (as she rolled her eyes ) “wait until you have more, your life is over.”  Well, I kept my words to myself.  Um, don’t ever say such words in front of your kids!  Also, this grieving mother thinks you’re wrong.  My life was almost over with one.  He died and I wanted to end my life…Is that what you meant by my life is over?!  I’ll take 3 crying children any day over the misery my family has suffered.  I may or may not want to curse people like that as I pray for them…

5.  Like I stated before in #4.  Quit it.  I can’t stand when people worry about stuff that doesn’t matter.  Come to me when you have realistic complaints.  I’ve heard I’m a great listener.

6.  Rest in peace sweet Joanie.  I’ve only met you once, but we continue to think of you daily. Some of your best friends are some of mine too.  Watch over my boy up there.   http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_19660449

Well, I guess that’s how we start the New Year.  Life  has lessons.  We learn them whether we want to or not.

As Christmas is approaching, Nate and I have been thinking of how we’ll celebrate it for our little boy.  We’ve thought about just erasing Christmas all together this year, but something in us still wants to honor family traditions and start new ones.

Last Christmas we dreamt of what this one would be like and it looked nothing like what it actual is.  Our little guy would probably be crawling by now and might have a couple of teeth.  He would have been curious about packages and all the lights.

Our only Christmas wish is that we could have all that we’re missing.  We wish he were here to enjoy it with us.

Last year my mother in law made a stocking with a “B” on it.  I remember seeing it for the first time and getting so overjoyed that next year a little boy would be sitting by it as we pulled out toys for him.  We had just decided to announce what his name would be and I remember us joking that we couldn’t go back and change it because his stocking was already made.

One of the blogs I follow is from a family in Texas who lost their sweet little girl to SIDS.  They had a great idea for what they will do with her stocking…which brings me back to Bo’s stocking.

Nate and I’s hope is that this year our family, friends, and anyone who reads this blog could send us a message for his Christmas stocking.  The message can be about how he has made a difference in your life, memories you have of him,  or maybe even a good deed you have done recently.  We are hoping to collect these by Christmas Eve and then read them on Christmas morning.  You can send them to lorielli@gmail.com, through Facebook, or through the mail.  Just send them with the subject of “Baby Bo’s Christmas Stocking” and we’ll print them off and put them in his stocking.  After we read them on Christmas morning, we plan on putting them in a scrap book in the days following.  Since we can’t have him here with us, we’d love to honor the memory of him and how he has touched so many lives.

Thank you all for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers during our difficult journey.

Here’s a little update on what my last couple of weeks have been:

My CPR was going to expire the end of November, so on the 21st I had to go recertify.  I had originally planned it for the Monday before but instead we chose that day to move Baby Bo’s things in.  I knew I couldn’t do both in one day…So on the 21st I went to this very kind woman’s house where there was another nurse recertifying too.  I’m so glad this was the scenario and not a room full of people.  I hesitated on whether I’d share our story with them, but to my surprise they each began to share how they had done CPR on people that they knew (neighbors, favorite grocery store check out guy, etc.)  I knew that was my chance.  I somehow remained pretty calm and even made it through the infant CPR refresher without completely breaking down.

The 22nd our boy turned 7 months.  We miss him so much.  It doesn’t get easier.  He is constantly on our minds.  I’ve cried every day for the past 6 months and I’m okay with the fact that I might cry for him every day for the rest of my life.  He is our world.

The 23rd of November was my dad’s birthday.  Every year I remember how much he loved to celebrate birthdays.  He was so full of joy and laughter.  He was born on Thanksgiving day in 1939 and my Grammy still jokes that he was the biggest turkey she ever had!

Thanksgiving was hard this year but maybe not as hard as I thought it was going to be.  They say that the days leading up to holidays or anniversaries are commonly harder than the actual day itself.  We had planned on going out to eat but instead my mom came over and cooked for us.  We watched the parade and the dog show and had a good time.  It’s easy to be mad at what was taken from us but on that day I felt very greatful for all that we have.  We have an amazing family, very supportive friends, a great house, good jobs that we enjoy going to, awesome dogs, and most importantly-the chance to know the most beautiful angel in heaven.

Black Friday my mom and I went shopping.  Honestly I still find myself sad a lot in the middle of retail chaos.  I used to love shopping but now it’s more of a get in and out deal.  Well, we were in the middle of NFM and I swear just minutes before I found myself wondering if I was the only one in the whole place that had lost a child.  I’m sure these feelings had a lot to do with the fact that the last 2 times we were there was to buy baby furniture.  Well, I felt a tap at my shoulder and looked over to be embraced by a hug from my friend Niccole.  I believe I’ve mentioned her in my blog before but Niccole is an amazing example of strength.  She has lost 2 precious babies-Frank to SIDS and Ava to Trisomy 18.  I was so delighted to see her and her pregnant belly that day.  In an overwhelming monopoly of a store, she helped me feel like I wasn’t alone.

November 30th was a sad day for me…last November 30th we found out we were having a boy.  I’ll never forget the look on Nate’s face, so precious.

In 2 days Nate and I will celebrate 3 years of marriage.  I’m sure that it won’t be an easy day either.  Last anniversary we went out to eat and most of our conversation was directed towards my belly and the dreams we had for the little boy inside of it.  I am so incredibly thankful for my husband.  I can’t imagine this journey with anyone else.

One of my favorite pictures of my boys.

I don’t really have very many favorite “things”.  I mostly have a big group of favorite people and memories…but I do have a few things that I love with all the love one can have for “things”.  They are all of Bo’s things.  On Monday my mother in law and I went to his storage unit to bring all of his things home to our new house.  I had never been to his storage unit and I haven’t seen most of his things since May 18th.  I have been looking forward to bringing everything home, but I also knew how sad it would be.

*I can’t believe how many things our sweet little guy has!  We had 3 different baby showers leading up to his arrival.  Nate and I continue to be blown away by all the generosity of those that surrounds us.  Thank you all.

While his things filled my eyes with tears, they also made me so joyous.  Each and every one of them took me back to all the moments leading up to him and all the time we had with him.  When we got home and the house was quiet I opened up one of the boxes with “baby clothes with tags on them”.  I knew what I’d find=all of the memories I wish I had.  I found a little onesie that had a monkey with a banana on it (I have since seen 3 baby boys in the same one this week).  I held onto it and imagined what it’d feel like if I had my almost 7 month baby Bo in my arms.  I’ll never knew that feeling but I imagine it every day…every hour, every minute.

Everything is sort of scattered in the room in the middle right now.  His bed needs to be assembled and his clothes need to be hung up.  I often wonder what we’ll do with them when a new baby occupies “his room”.  I guess this is where I shout out to the world that yes, we are hoping for another baby soon.  For some reason that has been a very frequent question for the both of us and our family.  I don’t know if it’s because we’re 6 months into our loss (tomorrow is the 18th) or what the deal is.  I never thought I’d be this open but it took us longer than expected to conceive our sweet little love.  It is not easy for us to magically get pregnant (I wish it were that easy).  We are taking steps in the right direction and someday when I am pregnant and a little more comfortable sharing with everyone, then hopefully I can write a post with a few more details about the topic.  However, if you feel so inclined to, you can also ask me.  Until then, please send us some extra prayers.

I did something else kind of amazing this week.  I went and picked out some Christmas ornaments for our tree.  I don’t know how I feel about this holiday season but I know we’ll be starting some new traditions.  I went by his tree at Antioch Park today and gave him a little gingerbread ornament:

I went by my 2 Bo’s graves today.  By Baby Bo’s grave there was a grandmother that was placing a wreath on a new grave.  I have a tendancy to notice all of the new graves.  I also try and say hi to anyone in the “baby section”.  I know that they must know some ounce of our loss.  This grandmother shared with me the story of her sweet granddaughter and wanted to hear about Bo.  We cried together and hugged a couple times.  It’s amazing how sharing with others can have somewhat of a calming sense…

That being said, I must share that I bought 2 sympathy cards today.  They were both for friends that have lost daughters over the past 2 weeks.  I wish there was a card section that was for Child Loss. There isn’t.  Maybe there should be?…So many of the cards looked familiar.  They are beautiful cards like the ones we’ve received.  Those are also in our current nursery.  Sympathy cards and nursery should never have to be used in the same sentence.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

Faith’s Lodge was the most beautiful vacation you wish you never had to go on.  It was away from the rest of the world and in a perfect spot.  For a long time in a while I was able to laugh and have fun and not feel guilty for it.  I realized that the only time I’m honestly myself is when I’m with other parents that have lost children, our families, and close friends.  Nate and I stayed in one of the best suites in the house!  It had a gorgeous view of the pond.  I spent most of my Saturday out there reading and talking with Lindsey as we watched Nate and Scott canoe and fish.  Every room has several journals in them and they are the stories of all the parents that have stayed there before you and the journey that brought them to the lodge.  It’s the saddest collection of stories but as a grieving mother, I’ll admit that it was addictive to read.  It’s helpful in feeling that we aren’t the only parents in the world that have lost a child.  There are many more and some of their stories are just devestating.  I made a decision there that I needed to stop refelcting on Bo’s death and start remembering his life more.  One of the parents had written- “Death is just a date and your life is your true legacy.”  I couldn’t agree with that more.  It’s hard not to wake up and replay that day over and over again but I also had a beautiful soul grow inside of me and live for 26 days.

One of the stories in the recent journal was about a couple named Jenna and Scott who lost their 11 month old son Noah to SIDS.  They had came to Faith’s Lodge 3 weeks after  he died and that was exactly a year ago.  Well, they made the trip again the same weekend.  This time they brought their seven week old son Oliver.  I can’t put into words how refeshing it was to meet them and how much hope they brought to us.  They stayed in a suite that has recently been dedicated to Noah after they raised money through their golf tournament benefit.  I thought of them a lot yesterday and wished Noah a happy 2nd birthday as I ate lunch at Bo’s tree.  If you want to learn about sweet Noah and their family, here is their blog:

http://noahs-dream.blogspot.com

We met several other families there and it was an amazing trip.  Thank you Serena for organizing such a great group of people.  I’m so sorry the Lacek family had to lose their little Faith Ann, but I am so thankful in the way they have given back.  May their story and all of the other families we’ve met along the way be an inspiration to us all.  We need to keep on living to keep our children’s memories alive.

Also, the first night we got there-the CARDS won the World Series!  I think there’s a strong reason why Lindsey and I have been so in tune with cardinals since our babies went to heaven.  They visit us all the time.

Something changed in me the day I found out we were expecting (Sept 8th-which is also the anniversary of the day my father died-it’s also Scott McFall’s bday and our Faith’s Lodge friend’s new baby Oliver’s bday-I don’t believe in coincidences very much anymore, I believe in fate)…on that day I started doing everything for our baby.  It wasn’t about geting Nate and I new clothes or shoes anymore (although we always have managed to remain thrifty). It was about preparing for Bo and taking care of our family.  I like the person having a baby turned me into.  I think I’m much more selfless.  Bo made me who I am today.

I knew I needed to make some changes.  I went back to work a month after we lost Bo.  None of us really knew how I’d handle going back to work-espicially since I work with babies.  Most days that I’m at work I can somehow manage pulling it together as long as I keep busy.  My job is partly a desk job and that’s usually where I have my saddest moments while at work.  I have heard several people say about 6 months into grief the “shock” wears off.  I used to think that was a bunch of crap but I now know it has a little truth.  I kept telling myself I didn’t want to make any drastic changes because losing Bo and moving houses just seemed like too much for one year (or a lifetime).  I have been praying for God to give me some direction and I think it finally came.  I have quit my full time job.  I will now be working down the street in Prarie Village @ KU Peds Urgent Care instead of downtown/various outreaches for KU Peds Cardiology.  Nate has also started a new job and he loves it.  I think the switches came at the right time for us.  Also, this is allowing me to work part time 2-3 days a week (and within blocks from our house).  I will be able to be home more with our future children and I feel like I can be the wife I’ve always wanted to be as well.  All I want in life is these two things, why pretend to want anything else.

I am still Bo’s mommy.  I think had things been different, I would have made a similar switch to be home with him more.  I am so excited for my new job but it’s so bittersweet.  I wish he was here to keep my busy on my days off.  I still keep myself occupied with being his mom and Nate’s wife.  This will give me more time to clean and I’ve already started cooking more (kind of surprising).  I’ll be able to read more and to focus more time on grieving.  I’m going to start going a new counseling group with Lindsey @ Solace House and do some individual counseling there too.  Please refer this place if you know of anyone who needs it.  Also Alexandra’s House-both of these organizations are amazing.  Our hope is that we can some day bring these types of services to people’s homes.  This time off will allow me to help plan more with Lindsey for our benefit in the spring as well.

I took some time off work this week to make sure this is what needed to happen.  Also, Halloween was one of the hardest days I’ve had.  Work was hard on Halloween but I still managed to go and make it through the day.  I’m sure all Holidays will continue to be hard but Halloween is very child oriented.  I also told myself I wasn’t allowed to log on to Facebook that day, but I broke my own promise that evening.  Bo was supposed to be a skeleton.  Apparently Carter’s sold many of those skeleton outfits because I’m pretty sure half of my FB friends with children dressed theirs up as skeletons.  I was very sad that I didn’t get to dress our little guy up.  I also got so mad that his costume was something that he now is.  I know it sounds horrible to think like that but I’ve spoke to many mothers who have had those thoughts.

Please don’t ever feel scared to send us a picture of your children or post something in fear that it might make us sad (that statement sounds selfish but I’ve had several people make those comments so I needed to address them).  I love Halloween, it just isn’t the same for us this year.  All of our plans and dreams were crushed.  We’re still very happy for everyone else who gets to celebrate these holidays with their children!  Also, I work with children.  If I was that scared of being around them I would have switched careers all together.

I went to work on Thursday and our first child of the day (whom I had never met before) was born on April 22, 2011.  Sometimes I think God is playing tricks on me…but it also makes me happy that not every child born on that day died.  I feel very in tune with Bo on those days and I thank him for sharing these other children in my life.  That little boy had blonde hair and blue eyes and he reminded me a lot of what I am missing.  We also had a month old baby that day as well.  It reminded me of what I had.  I will always have a sadness about seeing month old babies.  I will also always be in tune with boys around Bo’s age.  And come on, of course I will be affected by anyone born on April 22, 2011.  Our family and close friends will too.  We all miss him.

Here is a rock that I painted for him while @ the lodge and it was placed next to other children’s rocks by the bridge of hope.  I think it’s pretty obvious the theme was Nate’s idea He thinks I should start a rock painting business.  We’ll see…

Tomorrow we’ll be at the game and my 2 favorite Chiefs fans will be there with us in our hearts.  I know Baby Bo is sitting up there in his Grandpa Bo’s arms and they’ll be watching the game too.

Bear with me…I will say this again but as always, please don’t take offense if you’ve said this or thought this statement before.  I will admit, I once did too.  I also used to be a little more positive, so hear me out.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

I CALL BULLSHIT.  plain and simple.

Okay, maybe there was a reason that my college boyfriend and I broke up and he moved to another state for a great job opportunity and it just so happens I met Nate the next day.  I met the love of my life in a time I was least expecting to and fell head over heels.  The previous stated bf is now happily married to an amazing woman and has a baby on the way.   I can maybe hear someone say “everything happens for a reason” in the matter that yes, we went our two different routes and it was definitely for the best.  We remain friends to this day (as do Nate and I with anyone we’ve ever dated in the past) and that’s something I take pride in.  I agree that it builds character and you learn from instances like this in your past and you grow from them.

I don’t agree that “everything happens for a reason” belongs in the same category when someone very close to you dies.  It’s hard enough to believe as a Christian that God takes babies, and then you expect me to believe there’s an instant magical reason behind it?! Nope, keep your advice to yourself (or behind our backs)…

I do think that Bo was an amazing hero and his organs and tissue donation went on to save lives that we’ll never even know about.  This keeps me back at work and continuing to do my job.

I’m having a hard time deciding if saying “everything happens for a reason” and then connecting how we’ll probably have more children sooner even makes sense.  I mean, I know that in the grand scheme of things to other people it probably does.  To us, it doesn’t.  We might have multiples and then you can say, “we’ll see, you wouldn’t have had Lori and Nate plus 8 if you hadn’t started trying then!”  Well, we would have never even known it was a struggle for us had we not have had our precious angel Bo.  For us, we just want things the way WE TRIED PLANNING THEM.  We don’t want it the other way.

I keep thinking our future kids might read this and wonder if they were mistakes?  Had things gone as planned, we might have only had tried to have one more child.  We probably would have waited a year or two.  Who knows what would have happened.  Well, things went different.  I know that in my life I was born to two parents- almost 40 and 44.  Trust me, I wasn’t what you’d call “planned”.  That doesn’t mean a day ever went by in all the years my dad were alive, that he failed to tell me he loved me.  My mother continues to amaze me.  I used to think it was because she was just so protective and scared since my dad died when I was so young and left her as a single parent.  She has done all she could because she loves me.  She loves me more than her own life.  She was in the ICU for about a week after I was born because she laid her own life on the line give birth to me.  Now that is what I call love.

Maybe “everything happens for a reason” but Nate and I aren’t buying it.  Please think about phrasing this in another way the next time you say this to someone who’s suffered a huge loss.  While you hold your own baby in your arms or say goodnight on the phone to your dad, you think about that phrase.  Pretty sure you don’t throw it around as often once you’ve been on the shit side of statistics…

The big man upstairs has a lot of explaining to do.

Also, on a happier and hopefully less bitter note: send us and the McFall’s some happy thoughts as we head out tomorrow to faithslodge.org for the weekend.  Thanks.

Faith's Lodge in Wisconsin

It’s a hard concept.  Sids is the most defined/undefined term of death I’ve ever heard of.  How can there be so many causes under one umbrella term and then undertermined causes under there as well?! To us, Bo died of nothing.  He died of an undertermined cause that is called “SIDS”.  One of my first questions as I pleaded to God to bring him back-even after he had been dead for 24 hours- was if he was scared.  The Medical Examiner told us (my brave Father in Law) it was very fast.  He had no time to be scared.  I remember waking him up at a week old to change his diaper (I have an ocd about babies lying in dirty diapers-I like clean babies) and I startled him.  I held him to calm him down because he cried a little.  I know that he had the ability to “be scared”.

I guess it was somewhat relieving to learn that he “wasn’t scared”.

He is much braver than his mother.  I am scared of everything.  I am scared of death.  I am scared of the people I’ll leave.  However, I am not scared of what’s on the other side.  I’ll try and wait to get there because I know I have future children/grandchildren and a doting husband that need me.  I sometimes wish I could take day trips to heaven to see my little guy though, he still needs me too.

Seriously, in all of nursing school I learned of many causes of death.  I even took an interest into all of the “causes” of SIDS and did everything I could to avoid it.  Bo was at home with us, on his back, nothing by his face, no bumpers in his bedside crib, and he was only 27 days and not able to roll over…what did we miss?!

Then we get to what SIDS is thought to really be- a neurotransmitter/serotonin issue in the brain.  Well, it seems like something we should be able to catch, right?  In all the years of research, can’t we catch this yet? Or is your baby faulted?  No, ours wasn’t-he was perfect.

Sometimes we feel like we should be lucky to have SIDS on his death certificate.  There is a big conspiracy theory and many Medical Examiners refuse to even think of SIDS as a real reason for dying.  We heard an article on NPR on the way to the lake this summer: http://www.npr.org/2011/07/15/137859024/rethinking-sids-many-deaths-no-longer-a-mystery -We don’t even know what we think of that.  We are one of the apparent few families that everything was ruled out and it was “just SIDS”.  Well, what do we do with that?  Our future children will have apnea monitors and tests ran but in the case of “true SIDS” which they tell us happened to our sweet Bo, then we couldn’t even save them with CPR even if the apnea machine goes off…

As a pediatric nurse I am am torn.

I educate on what I know and what I’ve learned of the unknown.  There is SIDS and there is crib death.  It might be genetic, a mutation, or even an enviromental cause.  Either way, we’re all grieving and we all want awareness.

I bought a bracelet (similar to a Livestrong one) that’s pink and blue and says END SIDS NOW with mbjsids.org on it.  I’m waiting to pair it with MOMMY OF AN ANGEL on a white bracelet.  It might not be what you expect your child’s Cardiology Nurse to be wearing but if it causes conversations of awareness and for me to get to speak of our sweet Bo, then I’m okay with that for now.

P.S. I hope this doesn’t offend anyone.  We never, ever, ever want that.